Why is distress tolerance an essential parenting skill?

As a psychologist and parent, I’ve learned through experience that distress tolerance is perhaps the most valuable skill that parents can have, and one of the most valuable skills for parents to teach their children.

Distress tolerance is the idea that we can accept and deal with experiencing difficult emotions, without suppressing them or willing them to immediately go away. Parenting is HARD, and requires us as parents to manage our own difficult feelings - we need to tolerate distress all of the time! When we see our children experiencing a difficult feeling (or faced with a difficult situation), our natural instinct as parents may be to swoop in and help our child immediately get rid of that feeling or problem.

For example, is your child feeling worried about a test tomorrow? You may be tempted to email their teacher to ask for help, or even have your child skip the test to have more time to prepare. Is your child feeling hurt about a situation with a friend? You might decide to reach out to the friend’s parent to ask their child to apologize. While these are all well-intentioned decisions, they ultimately end up hurting your child. Why?

When we swoop in to try to immediately fix a difficult feeling or problem for our kids, we end up accidentally teaching them some unhelpful lessons. Your child may conclude:

1) My parent feels overwhelmed by my feelings. That must mean that my negative feelings are a problem.

2) It’s not okay to have big feelings, and I need to get rid of them immediately.

3) I’m not capable of coping with my feelings. I need my parent to help me every time I have a negative feeling or a problem.

I’ve also noticed in my work with children and families that parents often seek therapy for their child with the goal that their child will learn concrete coping skills to add to their “toolbox.” While there are definitely helpful coping skills that therapists (and parents) can teach kids (such as deep breathing, mindfulness, grounding techniques), an even MORE helpful conclusion that kids and their parents can learn from therapy is that feelings are not a problem to be solved. Feelings come and go, and ultimately, the acknowledgement and acceptance of negative emotions decreases their intensity.

As parents, we need to practice tolerating our own negative feelings AND our child’s feelings. Of course, this is so much easier said than done! When you see your child hurting, it’s so natural to want to step in and help alleviate their pain.

So, what can we do when we notice ourselves getting triggered by our child’s negative feelings, and we have that urge to step in?

1) Notice and acknowledge your own feelings.

“My kid is having a hard time right now - of course I’m feeling stressed and I want to fix it for them. I’m a good parent who doesn’t want to see my child in pain.”

2) Be present with your child, validate their feelings, and share that you are confident in their ability to sit with their feeling.

“I can see you’re having a hard time right now. I’m here with you.”

“It looks like you’re feeling really anxious about this. I know it is really uncomfortable to feel anxious, and I know that you can handle this feeling.”

3) Get curious with your child about their feelings. Feelings tell us something and can lead to actions. What is your child’s feeling telling you?

4) Expect difficult feelings to remove the element of surprise.

“After long breaks from school like this one, I know that it has been hard for you to go back. I have a hard time going back to work after a break too. I don’t know what will happen in the morning, but if you do feel anxious, I can see why you would feel that way. If that happens tomorrow, I know you can handle it.”